Austin Inside/Out sampler
The celebrity/society column that entertained and outraged Statesman readers
Remember when I had Old Austin’s good ear from 1997-2001?
Perhaps in an attempt to tart up his staid image, Michael Dell will play Mother Ginger at Ballet Austin's The Nutcracker on Dec. 13 at Bass Concert Hall. To at least one grumbling waiter, however, a more fitting role is Papa Frugal. It's not that Austin's richest man is a lousy tipper; it's just that he doesn't order extravagantly and usually drinks iced tea, while wife Susan rarely orders more than an appetizer. According to my white-jacketed source, these two seemingly read a wine list about as often as they do Mad magazine, making for average dinner bills under $50, even at fancy restaurants… David Carradine is in town filming Natural Selection but he’s kept a low profile: apparently, he can't go anywhere without yokels grabbing their crotches and saying, “Hey Grasshopper, snatch this!''… Her Indigo Girls grossed more than $120,000 at the Backyard this week, yet Emily Saliers chose to ride Capitol Metro rather than a cab or limo Wednesday afternoon when she went from Tesoros to Lucy In Disguise on South Congress. The Girls are staunch environmentalists who not only walk it like they talk it, but bus it like they discuss it. . . .If avid pilot Tom Cruise wants to do some aerobatics while in town, he should contact Michael Cook, who owns the same model Pitts S2B biplane as does Tommy C. Wait a second, I thought Cruise has denied that his plane is bi. . .
Reinforcing the idea that Austin is a racist city — Vidor with a symphony — is the plight of DeWayne Lofton. In a case Court TV would call “Black Santa Gets Malled,” Lofton is seeking damages from Barton Square Mall owner Simon Property Group after being denied work as Santa Claus because, according to Lofton, the mall said it wasn’t looking for minority Santas.… Doesn't it also seem a little racist that the Alamo Drafthouse is featuring 40-ounce bottles of Schlitz malt liquor at tonight's midnight showing of Superfly? While admitting that the tie-in “isn't very p.c.” co-owner Tim League said it merely plays up all the stereotyping of the blaxploitation genre. I get it, but what's next? Watermelon for an upcoming screening of Beloved? Or would melons be more appropriate for Thursday night's appearance at the Alamo Drafthouse by Russ Meyer, the legendary sexploitation director who'll introduce Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!… Joe Ely, who keeps his fingernails long so they click when he drums the table waiting for the major labels to call, has been contacted by Sony Nashville’s Blake Chancey about producing an album that teams Willie Nelson with Joe’s pal Bruce Springsteen. It’s w-a-a-a-y too early to talk about, sez Joe . . .
One thing you’ll never read in this column is an item that begins “Overheard at Vespaio. . .” The new Italian hotspot at the former South Congress site of the Lariat has been roping in big crowds, despite the absence of a sign or advertising, but although the food is impressive, the joint is LOUD. This is a place where you might actually have to ask Marc Katz to speak up… The c-word is going to cost KLBJ-FM quite a few c-notes. The FCC fined Luci Johnson‘s station $5,000 for the incident a few months back when a “Best of Dudley and Bob With Debra” segment aired the offending exchange between Dale Dudley and a female caller. The original broadcast was saved by the seven-second delay. Apparently, the way the fine breaks down is $3,000 for the naughty word and $2,000 for this group thinking there was enough good material for a “Best of. . .” show. . . .Hosting Monday’s Karaoke Night at Club DeVille will be Miles Zuniga, who finally gets the chance to sing lead on a Fastball hit… Kevin Costner's pal Augie Garrido spent a chunk of '98 working as a consultant on the baseball flick For Love of the Game.' But after his Longhorns' dismal '99 season, maybe UT should hire a consultant for Augie.
Quentin Tarantino's love for Austin apparently grows out of his appreciation of Austin's laid-back reaction to celebrities. In other words, nobody's yet come up to him here and said, “Hey, man, aren't you the dude that used to play Doogie Howser?'' ...It was strange enough to be playing a gig in Katmandu, but it got weirder for Kelly Willis and Bruce Robison two weeks ago when they were handed a note during intermission asking if actor Steven Seagal could “meet them, and perhaps jam.” The actor, who's a practicing lama and therefore a regular in Nepal, came backstage and worked out a couple of Bob Dylan songs with Austin's country sweethearts. “He plays guitar,'' Robison said. How well? Robison paused before saying, “He plays guitar.'' How well did he sing “Wallflower'' and “You Ain't Goin' Nowhere,” I asked. “He plays guitar”....Speaking of… KMFA DJ Tony Morris got quite a start recently when Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin called him from Mobile, Ala., to find out which artist he had just played on the Classical Guitar Alive show, which is distributed to more than 70 markets nationally. Morris mailed the CD by Puerto Rican composer Ernesto Cordero to Page, who in return agreed to tape a promo for the show. When Morris called Cordero to tell him that Page had asked for his CD, the excited composer said, “THE Himmy Page?!''. . .
Local cook Michael Pena said he saw his biscuits in the book, so he got his buns into court. And he wants some gravy from Threadgill's owner Eddie Wilson in the flaky case that won't go away. Pena claims a recipe in the Threadgill's cookbook was one he concocted while working for the restaurant in 1984. His secret ingredient was whipped cream, which Wilson said is in hundreds of biscuit recipes… Famous sons Julian and Sean Lennon have a sometimes-volatile relationship similar to that of their father and Paul McCartney and for the same reason: Yoko Ono. Julian has accused Ono of ignoring him financially, while Sean has stood by his mom. It’s sometimes been a sibling Siberia up there in Lennongrad, but the half-brothers are about to become album-mates. KGSR’s “Broadcasts, Vol. 6” contains “Into the Sun” by Sean and Julian’s “I Don’t Want to Know.”… The national gossip press finally has caught up to “Austin Inside/Out” a month after I broke the Farrah Fawcett- Greg Lott reunion, when they were seen dancing on their chairs to Junior Brown at the Continental Club. “Divorce Shocker! Farrah runs off with college sweetheart . . . but he’s already married” screams the current cover of the Star, with 1966 photos of Farrah and Greg, when she was the campus fox and he was the quarterback. In recent years Farrah has had about as much luck picking men as have the Dallas Mavericks.
Thrillionaire Richard Garriott, meanwhile, is in Belgium, heading for New Year's at a hotel made out of ice in Sweden (a warmer place to sleep than the Clintons' bed at the White House post-Monica)… Porn star Annabel Chong, whose feat of having sex with 251 men in a row over a two-day period is the subject of the documentary Sex: The Annabel Chong Story, is slated to attend SXSW this year. Why do I see Ms. Chong (real name Grace Qwek) in a limo with Margaret Moser and Pamela Des Barre before the festival's over? . . .Writer Marc Eliot‘s booksigning Friday evening at Book People had the benefit of a crack advance promo man: Don Henley. Citing distortions, half-truths and lies in Eliot’s To the Limit: The Untold Story of the Eagles, which portrays the ’70s country rockers as vain, oversexed cocaine vacuums (but what about the lies?), the former Eagles drummer/singer came to town recently to try to convince B’People honcho Abe Zimmerman to cancel Eliot’s appearance. With the possible exception of a sign that says “College Station 1 mile,” there’s nothing I’d least like to read than a book about the private lives of the geniuses behind “Tequila Sunrise.” The booksigning went on but Mr. Eliot’s name did not make the marquee…
Matthew McConaughey stepped out of a submarine and into hot water when he used the word “Jap'' on last Tuesday's Rosie O'Donnell Show. Asked about his new crewcut, McConaughey said it was for his role as a WWII submarine captain in U-571. “I'm over in Rome fighting Germans and Japs from World War II,'' he told Rosie O. The Media Action Network for Asian Americans reacted by condemning McConaughey for the racial slur, but as far as we know, no Cajun watchdog group has stepped forward to protest MM's use of the word “coonass.'' Nor has PETA proclaimed cruel the recipe McConaughey gave out that calls for a half-full can of Budweiser to be inserted into the butt of a chicken. . . .
Those hoping that controversial Louis Farrakhan would drift into obscurity will be happy to know that the Nation of Islam leader has taken a big step, by releasing an album on an Austin label. (Anybody heard of Hayseed lately?) Before he joined the Nation, Farrakhan was a calypso singer named Louis Eugene Walcott, who made a few recordings in the ‘50s, which have been reissued by Bostrox Records as The Charmer . . . .
South By Southwest officials should make reporters' jobs easier by sending them SXSW dolls for quotes. Pull the string and the “spokesman'' says that registration is slightly up, but it's too early to know the number of wristbands sold. Pull it again and it says the conference barely broke even last year. Ask for accounting figures and the doll wets itself. . .
* Fresh from winning a Grammy as best new artist, veteran performer Lucinda Williams will kick off this year’s SXSW by delivering the Thursday morning keynote speech. If there’s a do-ever, like her recent “ACL” taping, it’ll be Friday …
WHERE’S BUSH’S FORMER FIANCEE?
"Congressman's Son to Marry Rice Co-ed'' read the headline in the Jan. 1, 1967, edition of the Houston Chronicle, over a picture of George W. Bush and his family's Houston neighbor Cathryn Lee Wolfman. Bush spokesperson Karen Hughes confirms that the guv did have a luv while a junior at Yale, but the couple split before the wedding. Given her last name and her father's prominence in the garment industry (he owned Wolfman's clothing store in Houston), there was speculation that the Bush-Wolfman marriage was halted because of the bride-to-be's Jewish background. After all, didn't Bush tell a reporter in '94 that those who don't accept Jesus Christ can't get to heaven? “I mentioned it to the governor,'' Hughes said of the rumors, “and he looked at me with a quizzical face and said, 'But she's Episcopalian.' '' . . .
In what could be the most ineffective deterrent to crime since the death penalty, Texas Monthly has been banned from Texas correctional facilities at the request of publisher Mike Levy, who cites “a long history of harassment from prisoners experienced by persons and businesses featured in our stories as well as by our advertisers.''… A merger of sorts between Stubb's and Club DeVille will take place Jan. 31, when Charles Attal and DeVille co-owner Abigail King are set to get hitched. I've never been to a wedding of club owners, so I'm wondering if guests will have to get their hands stamped… I found out the hard way that Hyde Park’s Julio’s Cafe is closed on Sundays. For a Mexican restaurant in the heart of Yuppietown to close on a weekend is like having tattooed arms and not rolling up your sleeves after you've boarded a Southwest Airlines flying bus and see a woman with a baby heading toward the empty seat next to you ....
Funny exchange overheard at Club DeVille's first-anniversary party Jan. 17, 1998: Classic car aficionado Miles Earney, whose English accent seems to get stronger with each year in Texas, was gently chided for freeloading at the three-hour open bar. “I'm here almost every night, dear, and I never see you. So who's here for the free drinks?,'' he asked, to which his friend responded, “Honey, when you look like this, it's always open bar.” … Doesn't it seem like the way Mayor Kirk Watson has been scurrying to put together this big real estate deal with Computer Sciences Corp. that his fairy tale regime is starting to look less like Camelot and more like Corner Lot?… “Comedian” Tom Arnold apparently doesn’t know the first rule of celebrity mooching: If your drinks are comped, you need to tip generously. A waitress at Fat Tuesday’s was overheard griping about the pocket-lint-covered coinage that Fat Monday through Sunday left after a few free drinks last week. “Hey, listen, Roseanne worked hard for that money.”
Spaghetti Warehouse diners must’ve been startled to see Garth Brooks and his entourage stroll into the restaurant Tuesday night. After selling more than 60 million albums, you’d think he could at least spring for Olive Garden. But Garth might’ve been trying cut down on the enormous cost of playing Austin City Limits on Wednesday. According to ACL’s Terry Lickona, Brooks picked up all expenses for flying in his two bands (one for Garth, one for “Chris Gaines”), putting them up at the Hyatt and feeding them. Garth did get paid for his 2 1/2-hour performance: union scale of $500. . . .
SXSW co-director Louis Black has taken a page from the playbook of promoter French Smith, who used to drum up interest in his annual T-Bird Riverfest by denying music's biggest names as his “special guests.'' (One year the rumors were Robert Plant, Bob Dylan and Elvis Costello. When Smith denied them, he was right: the “special guests'' turned out to be the Antone's house band). At any rate, Black denies that Matt Damon will be at SXSW this year, but I see Beantown Blondie making the scene, at least in a partying capacity. Damon is just down the road in San Antonio filming All the Pretty Horses, so look for him to hook up with pal Casey Affleck (Ben's bro), who'll be here for Friday's Desert Blue' premiere. Louis denies that Pretty Horses director Billy Bob Thornton will be at SXSW. Nor will Ben Affleck. Also, Black says Goldie Hawn will definitely NOT be accompanying daughter Kate Hudson to the Desert Blue premiere. . . .
Going Ape Over Pampered Pet
The wife of a prominent West Austin doctor bought a baby chimpanzee about a month ago and has taken great delight in pampering the primate. (To show just how similar the chimp is to humans, he also finds Jeffrey’s to be slightly overrated.) But it’s a violation of the Austin city code to keep a chimp as a pet. Animal control supervisor Dave Smith points out that as members of the ape family, chimpanzees are classified as the same sort of dangerous animals as lions and elephants. The code does allow exemptions for licensed wild animal rehabilitators to keep sick or injured chimps in their homes. “Chimps can be very cute at an early age, but their owners usually find out the hard way that they can’t manage them when they get stronger and more ferocious,” Smith said. Chimps, who can live to be in their 60s, are often discarded, confined to cages or sold to biomedical labs by the time they reach 6 years old. Linda Koebner, executive director of the Chimp Haven, which provides a sanctuary for cast-off apes on 200 acres near Shreveport, La., says the simian surplus is a growing problem because of the demand for baby chimps, who lose their charm with age (also known as “Corey Feldman Syndrome”) and become seven times stronger than humans. “One day they’re reading magazines in their overalls and sipping tropical drinks to the amusement of everyone,” Koebner said. “The next thing you know, they’re living in a cage in the basement with no social contact whatsoever.” Karen Glass of Sunrise Exotics, which has a colony of nine chimps for breeding in Dripping Springs, said she sold the baby chimp to the doctor’s wife for “more than $20,000.” She said she’s been selling chimps for 10 years to satisfied customers.
I'd forgotten how good these were! Still hilarious 23 years later!