SXSW Veterans Call for a Schmooze Cruise

Musical lineup filled with former buzz bands back together

Getting around at the world’s largest music and media conference can be a big problem for those of us who remember when Lucinda Williams was a “baby act.” Been to every Southby, that’s 37 of them, and I used to party wall-to-wall five days straight. Now it’s one day running around, and one day in traction. Repeat. How can we still do SXSW when we’re AARP?

The answer is a SXSW-themed cruise ship, with its limited walking distances, ample seating and a swimming pool for cooling off and passing gas. The lineup would feature former SXSW buzz bands like Veruca Salt, Pete Droge, Girls Against Boys, the Negro Problem, Rex Daisy and That Dog, getting back together to play the Second Act Stage.

Shiner Bock flows freely, and there’s great Mexican breakfast on the boat’s Las Manitas popup. “Hey, that Beatle Bob impersonator is pretty good.”

Letters to Cleo will reunite for SXSW Legacy Cruise.

You will never lose money, marketing to music fans with just a few years left, who want to spend heavily on their passions before their brats inherit and buy condos and screenwriting programs. That’s the New Orleans Jazz Fest business model. Nobody blows dough like a 73-year-old whose family is all on their phones on Thanksgiving.

There will be panels and speeches and networking galore on this schmooze cruise. Let’s give Michelle-Shocked a mulligan on that ‘92 keynote. Wouldn’t that be fun, now that we all know how evil blackface is? Leg-wrestling in Mojo’s suite is now group yoga on the deck.

There will be stops on this SXSW Legacy Cruise, with the port cities being ones with cheap pharmacies, so party-goers can load up on inhalers, insulin and viagra. Wristband-wearers, who sleep on cots in the hull, will receive access to the main deck at this time.

If you were here for SXSW in the early years, you got Austin as good as it ever got. It was the Armadillo times ten, for four days every March. You want to keep chasing that, but then run through your head what the experience is going to be like and you wonder if Wet Leg is worth leaving the house. But you’re still a rocker, goddamn it. Go ahead and book a cabin, and relive the glory years at your speed.

There’s no traffic, and Chickasaw Muddpuppies are on in 10!