TIP FOR TODAY
If you use scissors to cut open a package of tilapia, consider putting it in the dishwasher before trimming your mustache. The woman at HEB looked at me like I’d just raised my head from between Angela Lansbury’s thighs. And smiled.
I LOVE THE YEARS, BUT SOMETIMES HATE THE DAYS
I had to use a cane for awhile after some surgery and I kept using it even after I healed. Man with a cane gets respect in a crowd. It’s a poor man’s bodyguard. People clear you a path when you have a cane, and no one’s looking to start some shit. An advantage of aging no one ever talks about.
What’s the worst thing about growing old? Depends.
Not quite there yet with the dumpster drawers, but I’m up on the downsides of getting old. The constant aches are kind of a drag, but it’s still better than being young and stupid.
You know you’re getting old when you’re online searching for a masseuse and you’re hoping it’s the real kind, not some woman you pay to kneed your buttocks and jack you off.
Mortality is acknowledged every night when you clear your computer history because there’s a chance you might not wake up and who’s going to understand that the Google search for Hung Mexican Men was for some research on drug cartel violence?
HOW TO TELL A BIKER IS FROM AUSTIN
1. Cooks crystal in a food trailer called “You Do the Meth.”
2. “Got his wings” by eating an airport breakfast taco at 3 p.m.
3. Was once hired to do security at Old Settler’s for all the gingko tea he could drink.
4. Complains that the ROT Rally was so much cooler when it was about new bikers trying to sign with gangs. Now it’s all corporate, like the Doritos Bandidos Stage.
5. Had nearly 100 ‘likes’ on his “Let’s Get Molly Hatchet Booked on ‘Austin City Limits’” Facebook page.
6. Rides a Harley Prius.
7. Volunteered at SXSW, got his badge, and never showed the fuck up!
“If you want the real Nashville hot chicken you need to go to Prince’s”
“Mild?” the woman at the counter asked, sizing me up. No, hot, bitch, I said. Maybe not all those words. I got a half chicken for $11 and carried it out to the car like it was a football and I had nothing but end zone in front of me. So hungry, I used the hood of my car as a dinner table, and dove right in. The first bite was so good and then…thousand one, thousand two…Holy shit! Fiya! Has seasoning ever caused a heart attack? Last night was the first time I’ve ever taken a painkiller over something I ate. Let’s end with a tip: If you can’t take the heat… there’s no shame in mild.